


Losing A Home

by Hooda



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Misunderstandings, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:32:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hooda/pseuds/Hooda
Summary: She watches now, twenty years later, as Cassian pushes her down behind the crate to face the oncoming Stormtroopers. They were in white this time. It did nothing to assuage the terror that floods Jyn at the sound of the blasters shooting. Shots hit the wall behind her from over the crates.





	1. During

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, but not sorry. This is what I get for listening to GoT soundtracks.. :(

When she was a just a child, she had been plagued by a string of night terrors about death. She would watch as her mother fell amidst the tall grasses of the farm fields. Over and over, Jyn watched as helplessly as the day it actually happened. She was never quick enough to reach her mother’s body before another ‘trooper aimed a blaster at her head.

She watches now, twenty years later, as Cassian pushes her down behind the crate to face the oncoming Stormtroopers. They were in white this time. It did nothing to assuage the terror that floods Jyn at the sound of the blasters shooting. Shots hit the wall behind her from over the crates.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

The heavy rainfall does nothing to blot out the sound of shooting.

Someone cries out down the street. The sound of blaster-fire stops as suddenly as it began. There was the unmistakable sound of footsteps racing in another direction.

Jyn waited a tense moment that felt like an hour before peeking over the edge of the crates. Smoke wafts through the alleyway.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

Rainwater drenches Jyn to the bone. It was chilling and made the earthen road of the alleyway muddy to the point that her boot laces were completely caked over. The sky was dark and the occasional flash of lightning illuminated her from overhead. Her hair was a ghastly knotted mess.

“Cassian,” she called weakly. Her throat felt rugged. Every nerve in her body was alight. “Cassian?”

He lay in a puddle of murky brown water not ten feet from the crate he pushed her behind when the Stormtroopers rounded the alley corner. Dread sunk into Jyn so quickly she almost felt paralyzed.

There was a stream of red slipping through the puddle. It expanded like dye with the brown. He was too immobile.

“Cassian.”

It felt like the only word that Jyn could manage to repeat without her composure. The terror threatened to consumer her otherwise. It was her mother’s body disappearing into the grass again. It was stumbling towards her father’s crippled body on the blasted landing strip.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

She crumpled beside his immobile body. The rain pounded around them in droves. His blaster lay useless by his open (bloodied) hand.

“Get up,” Jyn ordered as forcibly as her weakened voice allowed. Tears threatened to fall from the edges of her vision. Her chest was aching.

She pushed her palms flat against his chest and pushed once, twice, thrice. Her hands came away red and brown. The lining of his blue parka was turning purple around his sopping dark hair.

“Cassian, wake up,” she begged him. The dread was threatening to turn into certainty that she did not want to believe. “We have to go home. Get up.”

A sob tore past her throat. Her chest convulsed and her eyes burned.

Someone was calling her name from the alleyway’s mouth.

She pushed the wet hair back from Cassian’s forehead. The hair there had always been too long for Jyn’s liking. Tears slip from her cheeks but they simply mix with the freezing rainwater.

“Wake up, Cassian. You're not leaving me here alone.”

“Jyn!”

It was Leia. The princess had found them and was running in their direction, distress written across her face when she saw Jyn crouched over a limp body.

“Cassian!” Jyn growled. The realization sank into her disbelieving chest with an ache that was unimaginably _real_. Neither of her parents’ deaths had ever felt this devastating.

“Wake up!” Leia grabbed Jyn’s arm in a viselike grip. The princess tried pulling the soldier to her feet, but Jyn yanked herself free. “We have to go home now. Wake up.”

“Jyn, he’s gone,” Leia told her. Jyn let her shoulders sag as another sob ripped past her throat unwillingly. Her hands reached for Cassian’s neck. She trailed her fingers over his stagnant pulse point for the dog tags laying limp across his collarbone. They were coated in red.

She ripped the tag off when the chain’s clasp refused to work properly.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

“Wake up,” Jyn begged one last time. “Please, we need to go home.”

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

“Jyn, we need to go,” Leia urges. The princess rests a hand on Jyn’s shoulder and grabs Cassian’s abandoned weapon with the other.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

She presses a cold kiss to the brow of his hair before standing. The tears slipped effortlessly across her face. Leia shifted her supporting hand to Jyn’s elbow and tugged her away.

_(They were supposed to die together.)_

There was no where to hide the body. It was not right. He deserved more than to be left behind in an alley of some backwater planet.

Leia had to half drag Jyn through the doors of the _Falcon._

“Let’s get you home,” Leia reassured her as the ship began to ascend towards the horizon. Jyn could barely think past the aching in her mind and chest. It was paralyzing.

Her voice broke when she spoke.

“He was my only home.”

_(They were supposed to die together.)_


	2. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jyn, you have to get up now,” Cassian whispers to her. He was crouched beside her bed where she lay stagnant. Her very bones ached.
> 
> “I don’t want to; not without you,” she rasped. Her hand reached out for him. Her muscles felt heavy. Cassian moved away before she could make contact, like pulling away a treat for a misbehaving child.
> 
> His eyes were soft as they watched her quizzically.
> 
> “You need to keep moving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont hate me :(

_What is stronger than the human heart,_

_which shatters over and over,_

_and still lives (_ Rupi Kaur)

 

 

“Jyn, you have to get up now,” Cassian whispers to her. He was crouched beside her bed where she lay stagnant. Her very bones ached.

“I don’t want to; not without you,” she rasped. Her hand reached out for him. Her muscles felt heavy. Cassian moved away before she could make contact, like pulling away a treat for a misbehaving child.

His eyes were soft as they watched her quizzically.

“You need to keep moving.”

“I just want to end it. I want to be with you again.”

She knows she is hallucinating. The medical droids warned her it was part of the coping process her mind went through. There was a vial of special pills sitting on her nightstand. They would make the visions go away and simultaneously put her to sleep.

Jyn did not want to sleep. No part of her wanted to let the visions go.

“You need to take the pills, Jyn,” Cassian tells her gently. He glances slightly over to the container. “You need to wake up.”

“I don’t want to anymore.” Her voice creaks.

“Jyn.”

But his voice did not sound like his own anymore. Someone else was crouched by her bedside that was not Cassian. She squeezed her eyes shut to focus on the memory of his voice. It was gentle and calm.

“Jyn,” Leia repeats. Her eyes snap open in dismay. Despite the cold, the princess carefully lowers herself onto her knees. Jyn makes no move to sit up or acknowledge the woman. “You need to take your medication.”

“That’s what Cassian was telling me to do.”

Leia’s chest squeezes tightly whenever Jyn mentions the former agent. It had been a startling realization to discover Jyn having conversations her late husband. She wanted nothing more than to lift a fraction of the grief off the woman’s shoulders so she could at least close her eyes for a few hours to sleep.

Jyn lets Leia help pour a pill onto her palm. It was a sickly green color that reminded Jyn of the nutrient paste served in the dining hall. She swallows the pill with a glass of water.

Her limbs were heavy and her chest sore. Leia tidied the small room up as best as she could. Jyn wants to tell her it is a futile job, but she does not want to chase out the only constant company she has had in the last two weeks.

It had come as a surprise to Leia and Command alike when Jyn revealed the marriage contract she and Cassian had both signed. No one had known; not even Draven. Jyn had approached them with a morose face and sunken expression. Leia had been the one to accept the small chip that held the contract. Jyn had looked utterly devastated.

“It is no use to me anymore,” she had told them all in a quiet voice. Her eyes trailed the ground without really paying any attention. “We meant to keep it off the record for as long as possible.”

In the privacy of her own room, Leia had opened the contract up on a small data pad. Their names had been listed on two thin lines and their signatures followed a few inches below. The date is what surprised Leia.

“You were only married for a few months.”

Jyn had shied from the princess’ words like they were poison. They might as well have been. It only sparked renewed pain like a flare through Jyn’s chest.

That had been the first week.

By the second, the medical droids had declared Jyn unfit for active duty because of her precarious mental state. They were familiar with soldiers finally crumbling under the stress that came with losing a loved one on the line of duty.

A quick scan had shown that Jyn’s heart had _indeed_ suffered a sliver of the trauma. She listened obediently as the droid explained how her heart was close to going through cardiac arrest if she did not moderate her grief.

In a sense of cruel irony, her heart was _literally_ breaking.

Leia had personally seen to getting the medication for Jyn’s hallucinations that were introduced by sleepless nights. The little pills were meant to induce an exhaustion Jyn new was fake. Whenever Leia was not watching over her for an hour or two, she was free to ignore them.

She never wanted to forget Cassian’s features.

By the fourth week, she was moving again. Her mind felt like a hallowed out shell of what it once was.

“Collective grief from over the years being pushed back has taken its toll,” a droid had explained gently, unsure how Jyn would take the news. It had tipped its head to the side in an attempt to mimic human pitying behavior. “Ms. Erso’s mind was triggered by the loss of her late husband. Past traumatic events are surfacing. She is in a precarious state and must be monitored. Medication will be vital for the recovery process.”

Medicating her meant drugging her to sleep each night. It meant dark nights that provided little to no actual rest. Her mind was a numb cacophony of thoughts whirling towards oblivion.

“Just end it already,” Jyn had murmured exhaustedly when the droid finished its explanation. “I just want the pain to go away already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always greatly appreciated


	3. Anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia had found Cassian’s single dog tag lying on her dresser nearly a year after the morbid mission. It was tucked under an old pair of gloves that were ripped along the edges. There was a red film along the edges of the name printed into the metal. It looked rusted.
> 
> “Do you want to keep this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this FIC was actually unplanned. It was a way for me to blow off steam and kill some time. Initially, it was supposed to be a one-shot, but somehow the idea clung and I just HAD to continue :( sorry to all the broken hearts out there 
> 
> This is the last chapter. It was written up pretty quickly (like the others) and has minimal to no editing. So if there's anything grammatically incorrect, feel free to let me know!
> 
> Again: this is the final chapter

 

There were an infinite number of mechanisms used to cope with grief. A familiar one Jyn was knew well was cutting out whatever hurt her. It took her a year after her mother’s death to finally forget all of the little details that hit her like a ton of weight. She learned to forget the smell of her mother’s homemade dinners on the farm and the sound of her voice.

Anything relative to the subject of the grief was best ridden from Jyn’s mind. If she had less to fall back on and reminisce about, she had less pain to bear. In her fifteen years since her mother’s death, Jyn mastered _forgetting_.

No matter what her previous routine after suffering a blow of grief, Jyn could not imagine pushing away Cassian. It felt _cruel_ to stop thinking about the softness of his voice when he slipped into bed late at night, how her name rolled warmly off his tongue, or how his hands pulled her _home_ whenever she felt lost.

Leaving behind memories of Saw was harder than forgetting Lyra, but nothing could ever equal the heartbreaking disparity Jyn succumbed to at the thought of moving on from Cassian.

It was necessary. She had always preferred to sever the grief early than to suffer it alone for a long period of time. Desensitization was vital to her survival.

But Cassian was different.

Leia had found Cassian’s single dog tag lying on her dresser nearly a year after the morbid mission. It was tucked under an old pair of gloves that were ripped along the edges. There was a red film along the edges of the name printed into the metal. It looked rusted.

“Do you want to keep this?”

Jyn had decided to move rooms. Her new room would be slightly smaller and compact. Requisition ordinances needed more space as more members continued coming to Echo Base.

A legal widow of a Commanding officer, she was entitled to the room Cassian was assigned when he was still alive. Jyn liked the room. It was larger than the small single units and meant she did not have to bunk with a roommate. The idea of sharing a space made Jyn squirm.

In return for giving up her slightly larger room, Requisitions gave Jyn her pick of a single unit. She chose something close to Command, but somewhat closer to the hangars.

If she ever decided to make a run for it, it was comforting to know she was in range of an easy flight out. Han could always smuggle her out of the system if she asked him to do so.

Leia had held up the single dog tag and Jyn’s insides felt tighter than normal. Her heart had long been cleared healthy after its response to the trauma, but her chest still felt fleetingly heavier.

“I forgot about it.”

Her hands stilled over the duffel she was stuffing with the clothes from her small wardrobe. Leia looked solemn as she held out the dog tag.

_CAP. Cassian Andor [Sr.]_

His name was printed neatly across the metal. Jyn admired it with the pad of her thumb for a few quiet moments. Leia observed her solemnly.

She pulled the Kyber necklace out from under the collar of her thermal shirt. The string was thin enough that Jyn was able to clasp Cassian’s dog tag and let it fall until it hit the stone.

The two mementos from Jyn’s darkest losses sat nestled safely against her skin as she locked the door to the room on their way out.

“You’ve moved on,” Leia commented as she helped Jyn later than night with unpacking her meager possessions. It was not a question.

“I don’t think I ever will.”

Leia did not say anything. She was at a loss of words. It was not because she stunned or surprise, but rather because it was a mundane admission. No one truly ‘moved on’ from a traumatic loss.

The princess still carried the weight of Alderaan like a second skin. Jyn carried the abandonment from her past like scars across her body. Luke hid his uncertainty and displacement by cracking jokes with Han.

They all grieved.

“But someday,” Jyn continues quietly, “I hope to live a day where the pain isn't so overwhelming. I’ll never move on, but I could learn to live again.”

She fingered the new addition to her necklace.

“He will always have been my home. To ‘move on’ from him would be to lose the security and trust he taught me to feel again. If I want to live again, I need to remember him. I need to remember the lessons I learned.”

“And holding on to him is the best way to do that?”

“I think so.”

“But won’t you miss him? Won’t it hurt to remember?”

“He helped me find my home. It was him. The pain helps remind me that it was _real_. I don't think I'll ever want to give that up. Would you?"                

( _They were supposed to die together.)_

_(So he saved her from that fate.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are ALWAYS appreciated - they make my day :)

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always greatly appreciated!


End file.
